Painful Memories
by Nightfall Daybreak
Summary: If you're not good, the terrible Tigerstar will get you!" Ferncloud tells her kits. With these words, Goldenflower is reminded of all the painful memories she has of Tigerstar, but she learns to let go and move on with her life. Oneshot.


"Mother!" whined Spiderkit, dropping the ball of moss he'd been playing with. "Do we have to go? Do we have to go _now_?"

"Yeah!" squeaked Shrewkit, adding his voice to his littermate's. "It's not that dark yet! We don't have to go inside! Besides, we're not sleepy!"

From inside the queen's den, Ferncloud raised her head and mewed firmly, "Yes, you are. It's late, and you are going to sleep _now_!"

"Aww," chorused the kits in a long, drawn-out groan, but they abandoned their moss ball and padded inside. Ferncloud met them at the entrance into the bramble den and set about covering their faces and ears with licks.

Goldenflower purred as she raised her head from her mossy nest. "You should listen to your mother," she told the kits affectionately. "It's late, and you need plenty of rest so you'll grow up to be big, fine warriors. Don't you want that?"

"Yeah, we guess," Spiderkit muttered sullenly, flopping into the moss.

Ferncloud sighed and shook her head. "Kits," she said simply, looking at Goldenflower.

"Kits," the ginger queen agreed.

"Did Bramblepaw and Tawnypaw ever give you this much trouble when they were kits?" inquired Ferncloud, nudging Shrewkit into the nest.

"They were a pawful of trouble, yes," admitted Goldenflower, the warm glow of fond memory spreading through her as she thought of her beloved kits, mixed with a bittersweet pang that her only daughter Tawnypaw was no longer in ThunderClan. "All kits are this way."

"And I _still _don't want to go to sleep!" shrilled Shrewkit, scrabbling stubbornly in the moss. "Father doesn't have to go to sleep!"

"Dustpelt is on watch outside," Ferncloud said firmly, trying to avoid the flurry of thrashing paws. "You should be grateful that you don't have to stay up half the night outside, protecting the camp! Instead, you get to sleep in this nice, warm den. Your father has to work very hard."

"But!" Spiderkit tried to protest, but his mother cut him off.

"What's gotten into the pair of you?" she demanded. "You're not usually this stubborn about going to bed!" And she repeated a phrase she had picked up from the queens in other Clans: "If you're not obedient, the terrible Tigerstar will get you!"

"Tigerstar?" mewled Shrewkit. He scrambled upright, blinking large round amber eyes at her. "I heard from the apprentices that he used to be in ThunderClan. Is that true?"

"Tigerstar!" echoed Spiderkit. "Yeah, I heard he did something so bad, he was kicked out of the Clan!"

"Rainpaw says one of his friends poisoned Sorrelpaw when she was only a kit!" chimed in Shrewkit.

"Isn't he Bramblepaw's father?"

"He even tried to kill Firestar!"

Goldenflower sat frozen in her nest, her eyes wide, the warm feeling left by her memories slipping away. How…how was it that even the kits knew of her former mate's betrayal? Pain and guilt wracked her insides. As each sentence of gossip left the kits' mouths, she felt a stab of sorrowful agony in her heart. Each word was like an accusation, beating without mercy around her ears.

_T…Tigerstar…._

"Tigerstar—" Ferncloud began to answer her kits' question, when she caught sight of Goldenflower's stony expression. "Oh—no, Goldenflower, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…."

The pale amber queen rose to her paws, tense and rigid. "Watch what your kits hear, Ferncloud," she spat, her voice tight with anger. "I wouldn't want anyone to be misunderstood." Flicking a stiff tail at the guilt-stricken queen, she stalked out of the den.

She brushed roughly against Brightheart on the way out of the brambles. Cloudtail's mate was returning to the queens' den. "Goldenflower!" Brightheart gasped, catching sight of her expression. "Are you okay?"

Goldenflower raised her head to look at Brightheart. In the deep gold light of sundown, her scars stood out starkly against her still-beautiful face. But the wounds were still there, permanent and unmovable, stretching across half of her face. With a pang of sadness, Goldenflower remembered Brightheart's appearance as it once had been. Then, a sudden realization entered her mind.

_Her scars are Tigerstar's fault! Tigerstar hurt her, too!_

A fresh wave of anguish filled Goldenflower. Why did everything remind her of _him_?

"I'm fine!" she hissed, the intensity of the pain fueling her temper. She couldn't bear to look at Brightheart. "Would you just leave me alone?" Turning away sharply, she shot away through the brambles so fast a few of them snagged in her pelt.

As she headed away from the den, she could feel Brightheart's bewildered eyes on her back. She regretted her harsh words to the queen, but they had already been said. She stalked through the clearing, ignoring the concerned glances of her Clanmates. Bitterness filled her mind. None of them understood, none of them understood at all, how much it hurt to be Tigerstar's mate, the price she and her kits had paid for his treachery. They had nothing to do but sit and gossip about it? Anger rigid in every hair on her pelt, she whipped past a startled-looking Dustpelt on guard and through the tunnel. She clawed her way furiously up the ravine, suddenly feeling a sharp, burning anger.

Goldenflower raced through the forest, suddenly feeling all of her youth returning to her aged limbs, stopping only when she found an empty clearing. She took a few steps into the glade, then sank down helplessly into a crouch, grief overwhelming her. Her heart ached for him. Tigerstar….

What had gone wrong? she asked herself. Closing her eyes, she summoned a flood of memories to painful to speak of, memories she had tucked away since_ his _betrayal and hoped never to think of again. Memories, of when they were both young warriors, and passionately in love, with bold dreams. Of how proud she had been when he had chosen her out of all the she-cats in the Clan to be his mate, to walk by him always. He had been the best warrior in the Clan, so loyal and intelligent and strong. Everyone had been so proud of him, and told her how lucky she was that he loved her. And now?

It was a curse, a symbol of misfortune. She could still feel the stares upon her back from the cats of other Clans, the sympathy and pity they cast upon her at Gatherings. Even her own Clanmates felt sorry for her!

She remembered the moons after Tigerstar had betrayed ThunderClan, and after the battle with BloodClan. Everyone had looked at her oddly, as if they believed that she had made a poor choice in choosing Tigerstar as her mate, and her kits were mistrusted. Her helpless, innocent kits! She recalled the way Fireheart had glanced warily at Bramblepaw, as if he was an enemy, and felt her mother's instinct surge within her, as well as a new flood of sorrow.

She gritted her teeth against the sudden raw tenderness in her heart. How _could _he have done that to her, and Bramblepaw and Tawnypaw? How could he have doomed them to mistrust and isolation forever, even inside their own Clan? He hadn't only betrayed the Clan, he'd betrayed _her_! He didn't love her!

_He loves power more, _she reflected numbly, from the midst of her pain. She lowered her head, her heart broken.

How cruel he was, not only to leave a legacy that would ensure that she and her children would never be completely trusted again, but to also ensure that shewould never forget it, either!

It all came rushing back to her: Brightheart's scars, the death of Brindleface, Cinderpelt's broken leg, Bluestar's attempted assassination, Runningwind's death, Bluestar's death, Redtail's death, the RiverClan cat Stonefur's death…so many deaths….

And worst of all, Swiftpaw's death!

Goldenflower crouched down as agony wracked her body, the agony of a mother mourning her dead kit. Her own mate had brought about the tragedy that had killed her first son!

_Tigerstar! When you told me you loved me, did you want me to suffer such pain? Did you know that I would mourn like this for Swiftpaw? My first son…gone forever! _

Lost in her mourning, Goldenflower did not hear the gentle pawsteps behind her until a tail-tip touched her shoulder. "Goldenflower?"

The pale ginger queen spun around, tail bristling, and saw a familiar pale tabby face, striped with black. "Speckletail," she mewed, letting her fur lie flat and dipping her head respectfully to her mother.

Speckletail curled her tail around Goldenflower's shoulders. "The Clan is worried about you," she murmured. "Brightheart told me you just stormed out of camp, and you were angry about something."

Goldenflower felt a twinge of guilt. Brightheart must be very frightened. "I was—thinking," she mumbled, but her mother knew her only too well.

"Thinking about Tigerstar?" Speckletail inquired. Goldenflower snapped her head up, but the tone held no note of accusation in it, only understanding. She released a sigh.

"Everything I see reminds me of _him_! Why did he have to do this to me?" The hurt and confusion and anger poured out of her in a rush, her words fierce with feeling. "And Bramblepaw and Tawnypaw! The Clan hates them, and they blame me for choosing him as a mate. No one trusts them! How could he have gone so evil, Speckletail? He was once—so _good_…."

There were no more words for her pain. She leaned her head against her mother's shoulder, her body shuddering with heavy breaths, just taking comfort in knowing that she wasn't completely alone. She felt like a kit again, scared of the thunder but knowing that her mother would always be there for her.

Speckletail gently stroked her shoulder with her tail. "That isn't true, Goldenflower. The Clan knows you aren't to blame. They were just as shocked as you were when Tigerstar revealed his true colors. No one expected it. And your kits are well loved where they are, in their separate Clans. Think of Bramblepaw. He's so strong and diligent. Firestar and the rest of the Clan trust him and love him. He's almost a warrior."

Goldenflower took a heaving breath. "I know, but…." Her voice trailed off.

The pale tabby elder gave her daughter a sharp look. "Goldenflower—why are you blaming yourself for what Tigerstar did?"

Goldenflower felt another stab of pain, but this one was cruelly controlled, directed to pierce only at the most sensitive part of her soul. She could hide her pain from the others, but not from her mother. She hung her head low, knowing it was true.

"I—was blind to his faults," she whispered. "I can't believe I couldn't see all the ambition in him, that it was turning to evil. I was so proud of him. Do you think—" She drew a deep, shuddering breath. "Do you think I could have stopped him?"

Speckletail regarded her daughter with a deep, understanding sympathy in her eyes. She shook her head slowly. "No," she murmured. "Whatever Tigerstar was, he chose to become that way himself. He was lucky to have you, and his Clan, and to be born with all that skill and talent and motivation, but in the end he used it for corruption. It's no fault of yours. He was selfish."

"He didn't care enough about me." Goldenflower's voice was a choked whisper.

Speckletail hesitated. "His ambition—blinded even himself. We were all deceived by his greatness. We didn't see, either, how his thoughts were twisting inside." She bent and gave Goldenflower's head a lick. "Don't feel too sad. He doesn't deserve to be dwelt upon."

"I know, but…I always wonder, what if I had realized it soon enough? What if I had told him? He could have changed."

"Tigerstar's not your kit, Goldenflower." Speckletail's voice was quickly returning to its usual sharp tone of logic and common sense. "He was old enough to take care of himself. StarClan gave him talent, and he chose to misuse it."

"But, Speckletail…" Goldenflower swallowed. "Is it wrong of me…? I….I still love him."

She whipped her head away, not wanting to see her mother's look of disbelief. "No one else has to live with the shame of being Tigerstar's former mate! And he did so many evil, horrible things, why is it that I still love him? StarClan, _why_?!

"After he betrayed the Clan—betrayed me, I hated him. I hated him so much, for ruining my life, and my kits' lives, before they had even started. I—I dreamed of tearing my claws through his pelt, making him suffer the same pain I did. When Firestar told everyone how Tigerstar died, at the claws of Scourge, I wished _I _had been the one to end his life, as he ended mine. But I knew all along, that I still love him."

She swallowed. "After all the pride and trust and love I gave him, he deceived me. He never even apologized for destroying my heart and disappearing like that, without a word of farewell, after Bluestar exiled him, and then he showed up as leader of ShadowClan! I didn't know him. I don't know him.

"I was so afraid for my kits, not only that they would never be trusted, but that they might end up like him, even though I hated to think of it. When Tawnypaw disappeared, I knew where she was. In ShadowClan, with her father. But I clung to the hope that she wouldn't turn out like him, so evil and full of darkness. I took my anger and confusion out on Firestar. But I was truly angry at myself. It was like, I thought, StarClan giving me a second chance. I had failed to realize Tigerstar's evil. I had to stop Tawnypaw, too, before she became the same as him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't. I couldn't believe that my own daughter would betray her own Clan, like he did. And when I got word that she turned up with ShadowClan at the battle, I—my heart broke."

"But Tawnypaw turned out all right," Speckletail soothed. "She is nothing like her father. She was confused."

"I know." Goldenflower turned amber eyes, brimming with inner torment, to her mother. "Speckletail, I still love him. I still do."

"I know. And that proves the depth of your love." Speckletail licked her daughter's ears gently, just as she used to do when Goldenflower was a kit. "But do not dwell on him, Goldenflower. Throw away the pain. Your Clan loves you and needs you. You aren't blamed for anything. Use your love as a mother for your kits, and for ThunderClan. Tigerstar doesn't own you. You have a life to live to its end, that StarClan gave you, and you should be living it now." Gently, Speckletail nudged Goldenflower to her paws. "You're all right now. Go and help Ferncloud with the kits. When I went out of camp, they were still pestering her."

Goldenflower managed a smile. "So you're a medicine cat, are you, now?" Speckletail gave her an amused purr and headed out of the clearing.

Goldenflower looked around the clearing, at the dusk that gathered in shadows at the edges of the trees. Her heart still ached, but her mind now looked to the future. "I don't need you, Tigerstar," she whispered. "Goodbye."

Shaking her pelt as if ridding herself of dust, she left the clearing, leaving the painful memories of the past behind.


End file.
